Better stand back.... My head is going to blow up...
My mind is almost fried at all the things I am trying to work through, and learn, and absorb right now.
"Finding oneself" is not a passive endeavor. It is not painless, it is not "Zen-like".
It is pain, and confusion, and tears, and fighting with what your mind has been trained to believe, and learning what you really believe. I have been so dellusional for so long...
I almost feel like I have been brain washed up until now. Especially where religion is concerned. Christianity is such a "Do this or else..." religion. I really don't think that a religion based on fear is a loving religion. How did I get so washed away by it for so long? I don't want to get hate mail from christians... This is my experience, my beliefs, and yours can be whatever they are and that is fine.
My personal life, too, has been giving me headaches. I seem to fight against the things I need. I seem to need that strong man in my life,to make the decisions, and the discipline, but it makes me so mad to need it! Why do I need it... Where does that need come from? Any time I do something that warrants discipline, it makes me really mad to think that I am not smart enough to just know not to do it without getting physical punishment for it, doesn't that make me sound weak?? What am I that I don't just know "oops, better not do that again" without getting spanked for it like a dog? When I subconsciously begin to need it, I do something that warrants it... Nothing drastic, but things like raising my voice, talking back, being rude. Then, when I hear that I indeed am going to get that punishment, it makes me furious at myself, and I just want to withdraw from everything, and everyone.
I am such a nutcase. I don't think I will ever figure this out on my own.
(Edited: I have the religion figured out, although I am still mad about the brainwashing I received when I was young... But I don't have the submissive thing worked out, and I may have just talked my way into not having a Dom to begin with... If a submissive doesn't have a Dom, is she a submissive? If a tree falls in the forest....)
"Finding oneself" is not a passive endeavor. It is not painless, it is not "Zen-like".
It is pain, and confusion, and tears, and fighting with what your mind has been trained to believe, and learning what you really believe. I have been so dellusional for so long...
I almost feel like I have been brain washed up until now. Especially where religion is concerned. Christianity is such a "Do this or else..." religion. I really don't think that a religion based on fear is a loving religion. How did I get so washed away by it for so long? I don't want to get hate mail from christians... This is my experience, my beliefs, and yours can be whatever they are and that is fine.
My personal life, too, has been giving me headaches. I seem to fight against the things I need. I seem to need that strong man in my life,to make the decisions, and the discipline, but it makes me so mad to need it! Why do I need it... Where does that need come from? Any time I do something that warrants discipline, it makes me really mad to think that I am not smart enough to just know not to do it without getting physical punishment for it, doesn't that make me sound weak?? What am I that I don't just know "oops, better not do that again" without getting spanked for it like a dog? When I subconsciously begin to need it, I do something that warrants it... Nothing drastic, but things like raising my voice, talking back, being rude. Then, when I hear that I indeed am going to get that punishment, it makes me furious at myself, and I just want to withdraw from everything, and everyone.
I am such a nutcase. I don't think I will ever figure this out on my own.
(Edited: I have the religion figured out, although I am still mad about the brainwashing I received when I was young... But I don't have the submissive thing worked out, and I may have just talked my way into not having a Dom to begin with... If a submissive doesn't have a Dom, is she a submissive? If a tree falls in the forest....)
4 Comments:
Introspection is a breeze. Honest introspection is an entirely different matter. Honest means stripping away all the facades, digging through all the garbage and rubble of living and then taking a hard look at the real you.
If you need the things you say you seem to need, accept it. There is nothing wrong with that.
I suspect you "misbehave" when you feel the need for discipline. It isn't a matter of not being smart. It is no different from asking for a hug. When you refer to it as being tied up and beat like a dog you are putting a negative connotation on it - unless that is what is happening.
I'm thinking you're not a nutcase, but rather a person whose needs and desires conflict with your religious teaching and the rhetoric put out by society.
Hang in there, young lady!
Thank you, Buffalo.
I think my brain is telling me that to need someone else to be in charge means that I am not smart enough to be able to take care of myself... Which is the farthest thing from the truth... I wish I could shut my brain off and just follow my body, but I can't seem to.. I am still working on it, though...
You nkow, Jason, I don't know where I would be without friends like you... Your comments always make me feel like maybe I am not as messed up as I think I am... Thank you...
Now, if I can just work out all the other details...
Thank you so much, Red. Coming from someone who I think is an amazing woman, that is an amazing compliment...
It would be so great to have a circle of friends right here in my day to day life like I have online... I don't know what I would do without you guys... I wouldn't be becoming the real me without your support...
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